Teeth bite.

So yesterday morning I woke up and I had a tooth ache. Now with most people - a tooth ache sucks but they get it together and call the dentist. As my mother told me when I was young, I'm not "most people." My anxiety began as I wondered how long the pain would last. Could I handle it on my own? Do I really need to go to the dentist? Can I take Advil for the rest of my life? (Research clearly says NO; And I'm sure Tom Cruise knows the history of Dentistry and a vitamin and fitness regime that will cure my tooth ache.)

It being a Sunday, I had the luck of no dentists' office being open unless it was an $$emergency$$. It didn't hurt so bad that I couldn't function. It was just a nagging-throbbing-drive-a-spike-through-one-eye-kind-of-pain. Nothing really. Just as long as I didn't open my mouth too wide. Didn't chew. Hm swallowing didn't work so great either.

When my sister (The Nurse) Beth came to drop off my nephew last night, I asked her how many Advil I could take without my stomach imploding. She said no more than 6 in a day. Hm. It was 8pm and I'd already taken 6. So Before bed, I popped a couple of Tylenol's new drug Simply Sleep [NON-HABIT FORMING the box says! As if they can make a drug non-habit forming!] in hopes it would get me through the night. It worked! I didn't wake up with tears in my eyes from the pain until 5:15am. Time for more Advil!

So after I was finally able to open my mouth an hour later, I decided I should really get my act together and call a dentist. I had a sneaking suspicion what was going on in my mouth and I didn't want to deal with it - but I had to. I didn't want to be the first person to die from a tooth ache. It could happen.

Now you may be wondering what made me have this crippling fear of dentists. I'll tell you what. This dentist I had as a kid was a BIG JERK. That's right, I said it! My first cavity was filled with NO NOVACAINE! People - were we not living in modern times? Why did I get a Medievil dentist?! Then, before I got braces, I had several teeth pulled. No idea that was happening until I was sitting in the chair getting prepped. Yeah - good times! Way to SCAR ME FOR LIFE!

Anyway, the drill noise makes my eyes water and my chest tighten. That suction thing makes me want to heave. Let's not get me started on that horrendous smell. What IS that smell anyway?

So I call the practice my old dentist was at and they can fit me in at 4pm. Which gave me ALL DAY LONG to stress and hyperventilate and dry heave. When I made the appointment I let them know I was a bit of an anxiety case regarding the dentist. They assured me Dr. Wang was great with head cases.

When I got there, I got an extra 15 minutes to update my paperwork (new dental insurance info, etc) and to breathe in that lovely dentist office smell. My blood was pounding in my ears. An older woman was ahead of me. She was getting a "simple extraction" for her dentures. Greeeeeeeeeat.

The technician took me back to start with some dental x-rays. WHY THE HELL ARE THOSE X-RAY FILMS THEY STICK IN YOUR MOUTH SO GODDAMN BIG? I breathed through my nose, stuck my tongue to the bottom of my jaw and prayed lunch wouldn't come back up. It almost did - twice. The technician told me all about her boyfriend and their new boat that they got to "party". I guess she didn't notice that my pocketbook was twisted around my wrists so tight my hands were whiter than Michael Jackson.

The old lady getting the extraction. Yeah - I ended up practically in the same room. I was sitting quietly waiting for my x-rays to come back and for the doctor. The older woman was sitting quietly and MOANING. They asked her if it hurt she said "nehhhh" (I can only imagine with my creative and Freddy Krueger mind what they had in her mouth) so they said "Ok you are going to feel pressure. "I assume they then exerted said pressure and once again "OOOOOOOohhHHHH" I got up from the seat twice and had to sit myself back down. Finally I put my fingers in my ears and tried humming. That's the way the technician found me when she came back with the x-rays. She looked at me as if I had lost my mind. "She's moaning!"I said. "She old. Relax. This isn't the turn of the century, you know." Hm.

After Dr. Wang was done making the old lady whimper, she came over. A lovely small woman. I could probably take her in a fight. She looked at my x-rays and then delivered the nails in my dental coffin. "You need to have your wisdom teeth removed. All four. Then this tooth... here. I think you need a root canal."

Then I ran screaming from the building crying, "The Dentist Office Smell Is People." [/edited with poetic license somewhat obscure Charlton Heston reference]