Why Do the Loudest Trucks Pass the House at Naptime?

After 18 months of motherhood... I have a couple questions. So off the top of my head...

Why is it the hard star-shaped block must be underneath the soft instep of my bare foot as I walk across the kitchen? During playgroup? And while I want to scream "Fuuuuhhhhhhhk! Oh my Goddddddd" I must quietly whimper "ah ah ah..." while two little parakeets chirp "ah ah ah" over and over again behind me.
Why is it right after I change his diaper, he poops?
Why do I forget my cell phone yet remember to bring the Elmo-phone?
When does "me time" not mean the opportunity to do laundry, dishes, make dinner, pick up toys?
Why does my "free time" from 8pm-10pm go so fast?
Why does Liam get his hand stuck inside a shape sorter and when I finally get it out he puts it right back in?
Is there an end to the amount of snot and drool he can manufacture?
What's with those 2 chin hairs...uh mine, not his.?
Why can I now smell poop 3 rooms away?
Why does Dan pass gas right before I enter a room?
Are the last two related questions connected somehow?