Thursday, April 21, 2005

I'm every woman

It's all in meeeeeeeeee.....

I've been pondering over the guest Oprah had in her show yesterday. Ayelet Waldman has been shocking the mom's at Gymboree around the country by saying, "I love my husband more than I love my children."

Now I can get the gist of what she is saying. Women should have that same passionate love for their husband that caused them to skip down the aisle in the first place (hopefully). The love for your child is different than the love for your husband.

I agree.

Now by no means does that mean that my love for my child runs any less deep than the love I have for my husband. The love I have for him created what we now know as Liam. He is a walking symbol of that love. So indeed that makes him special and it makes my love for him different than my love for Dan.

Where I differ from this spotlight-hugging sensationalist mom is when she states, "What if, God forbid, someone were to snatch one of my children? God forbid. I imagine what it would feel like to lose one or even all of them. I imagine myself consumed, destroyed by the pain. And yet, in these imaginings, there is always a future beyond the child's death. Because if I were to lose one of my children, God forbid, even if I lost all my children, God forbid, I would still have him, my husband.But my imagination simply fails me when I try to picture a future beyond my husband's death. Of course I would have to live. I have four children, a mortgage, work to do. But I can imagine no joy without my husband."

I cannot, in the totality of my mind, picture my life without Liam any more than I could picture it without Dan. Even on my worst day and Liam is climbing up my face and screaming like a banshee. I cannot imagine a joyful life if either was taken away.

Now like the author of the article, I know I would function. Work. Pay bills. Etc. But a joyful life? I cannot imagine. And you know what? I don't like that game much. Why waste 5 minutes imagining life without either Dan or Liam and miss out 5 minutes of enjoying them?

These men I have... are the beacons in my life. Dan's light is a taller light. It turns in circles showing me where I've been, where I am, and where I'm going. It keeps me company and makes me feel safe. Liam's light shines on the little things I might have otherwise missed. A smile, a ladybug, the feel of cool satin, lights on the Christmas tree. It also keeps me company but I make him feel safe.

I'm not going to get into the part of her article about sex. That is a topic for another day. What I am going to do is go pick my little light out of his crib because he's awake from his nap. And maybe we'll go look at some ladybugs.


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