It's me..."just" at home

So for the record, yes my laptop is still toast. I have a hard time nagging Dan about fixing it as he works 4567 hours a week. He tried to back up the hard drive to no avail. Even Michael Dell came in, took one look and said "You're fucked." [As I read that back to Dan, he had to tell me that he had Michael Dell's phone number. Are you all impressed? How's that for technical phone support. Come fix this shit, Michael Dell! I have 5 readers of my blog and a group of BBC gals who would like to have a word with you, bizatch!] So there we are. Dan got me a new hard drive. He just needs to install all my crap. I'm hoping by the end of next week.

Till then, poor me, I'm on our new Dell desktop that reminds me of something on the Starship Enterprise. I'm inclined to lean toward the tower and say "Earl grey, piping hot!" [Forgive the sad Star Trek references, I was a tad bit of a Trekkie in a former life - but only The Next Generation and no, I never thought Jonathan Frakes was hot. Jean Luc Picard...well that's a fantasy for another day.] And might I comment on the fact that I'm in Mantown while my husband is in his Love Sac playing the new MVP Baseball 2005 on a 92" projection. This guy has it made. But I digress...

So when visiting my old office a couple of weeks ago, I bumped into a colleague who was happy to meet Liam for the first time. After cooing over all his round cuteness, she turned to me and said, "So are you just at home now?"

Now you may think I went all stay-at-home-mom-with-a-chip-on-my-shoulder-Norma-Rae-wanting-equal-pay-for-equal-time-and-a-side-of-TiVo and launched into the virtues of motherhood and how important my role is and so forth and so on, June Cleaver. Thank you very little, no I did not.

While I do very much believe what I am doing is invaluable. I do not have a complex about not bringing money into my home. Often, when speaking with women my age who are able to stay at home, one of the first things they say is "But I want to get a part time job because I don't feel like I'm contributing." Now I COMPLETELY understand that some households have circumstances that result in the necessity of 2 incomes. Right now my household is capable of running with some budgetary restructuring on one salary. So that coupled with the fact that I wanted to stay home got me my current situation. But in no way do I feel like I am failing to contribute to my home.

What I really find laughable is the notion that I'm "just at home." As if I had a nanny living here who brought me the baby for nursing and the rest of my time was spent eating Bon Bons and watching Days of Our Lives. Now I know what you are thinking. Susie dear, you DO watch Days of Our Lives. Yes, I do and can you believe this crap with Sammy becoming a man and working with DiMaras? Ooops...sorry! In reality, I may catch 10-20 minutes of an hour show. I maybe see it 1-2x week. I like the t.v. on for background noise. But my boss does not allow me to decide whether or not I can actually watch a whole show. No.

You see there is the Screaming, the Shrieking, the Eating and the Amuse Me work that needs to be tended to. Breaks comes when it is Nap Time but then there is Laundry, Cleaning and General Housework that calls. And do not even think about RELYING on a specific break time because that's when the boss decides he will REFUSE Nap Time and the Screaming may or may not commence.

It's a crap shoot.

Now my old job. That was a cake walk. My previous boss never crapped herself and needed me to clean it up. She never pinched or gnawed on my hand. She never went from laughing to crying like she needed some bi-polar meds. I didn't have to spoon feed her. She let me eat my lunch without trying to grab my sandwich/plate/napkin /cup/face and then began Screaming when I wouldn't let her. She let me go home, leave my desk, go on vacation and she made sure I got paid every two weeks.

But what didn't she do?

She didn't make my heart hurt just by smiling at me. She didn't wake up from naps so happy to see me that it felt like the sun was shining on the gloomiest of days. I didn't get to bask in her love.

She didn't amuse me by trying for 15 minutes with the utmost concentration to get my sweatshirt zipper with her index finger and thumb. She didn't laugh at my dogs or move every appendage with all her might when Dan got home from work.

Liam does that. Liam is the best and worst employer I've ever had. He can bring me to my knees and then make me feel like Wonder Woman. He makes me smile when I wake and when I go to sleep. He is my "just" in the phrase "just at home." The most important job I'll ever have. And the idea of sending him out in the world terrifies me and probably always will. But he is my biggest contribution to the planet. And I think that is more than enough of a contribution to my household and to you.